Scary Things Come In Pink, Fuzzy Packages
Chapter 6 : Sugar High (For everyone)
Rating: R By Rodriguez Anna

> Giovanni was bored with life. He checked his watch for no apparent reason. So he decided to go teach some kindergarten kiddies.

(Six years later, in a school somewhere in Wisconsin.)

Giovanni finally got the career of his dreams. He worked in a High School as a Home Ed teacher, but in Wisconsin, we call it Family and Consumer Ed. FACE for short. He did not get the job as a kindergarten teacher, but oh well. He just wanted to teach kids in general. He walked into the class for the first day of school, everyone getting all creeped out by the red suit he likes to wear. Some kids giggled. Giovanni glared at them, and those kids shit themselves.

A very sugar high student, by the name of Anna, sat in the front, ready to learn. She was the biggest dork in the world. But strangely, all of her friends were placed around her in the seats. Paris (one of Anna's friends) turned around and looked at Chunk.

"Aren't you a senior? What are you doing in a freshman class?" Paris asked him. Chunk, a very curly and fluffy person, grimaced.

"This is a senior class!"

"Whatever."

"WHO THE FUCK IS TALKING IN MY CLASS?!?!?!" Giovanni yelled. Every sat up in their seats, also ready to learn. Anna smiled at Giovanni.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?!" Giovanni yelled.

"What?" She asked lightly. Giovanni raised an eyebrow and then realized she had those mini ear phones in her ears, playing "The Glorious Ones" by Tree63. Giovanni broke her ear phones.

"We are going to learn today!" He declared. Chunk started clapping. Giovanni pulled out his gun and put it on Chunk's table. Chunk's table partner, James (very British) shivered.

"I don't like guns. I break them," James said quietly as Borsey threw a paper airplane at James. Jams broke Borsey's gun. Ba a a a a d James.

"What are we learning today?" Tiffany asked, her hands folded on the desk, very proper, trying to behave.

"We're learning about . . . .," Giovanni looked at the teaching agenda. It wasn't a good subject. Not at all. NOT AT ALL! FOR GOODNESS SAKES WHY DID I HAVE TO MAKE GIOVANNI TEACH FACE?!?!?! A A A A A ARGH!

"We're learning about STDs," Giovanni said with a straight face. Everyone face faulted. Everyone. In the world. Yes, everyone. Like all the little starving children in Singapore that you see in those Christian Fund commercials and the Olympians, and all the old people in old people homes, and everyone walking the red carpet, and adults at those Furry club things that dress up like little animals and screw each other, and all the Union workers and the politicians, and and and . . . everyone. Just everyone. Everybody!

"What are all of you all looking at?" Giovanni asked, everyone starring off into the distance, wishing they were dead. Giovanni looked at the agenda and then at the computer. Supposedly there was a Power Point with pictures of STDs that was already prepared. Giovanni didn't see that necessary.

"Anybody wanna see an STD?" Giovanni took off his pants. Everyone (yes everyone) started screaming. All the naked chicks in Africa, all of the construction workers in New York, all of the hard working billionaires that own casinos, all the CIA operatives, all of the starving children, all the FACE teachers, all of the Star Wars convention attendees, all of the homies (YEAH! GO HOMIES!), all of the mass murders, all the goths, the punks, the preps, and the geeks, and even George W. Bush and his double, John Kerry, whom are the same person, Michael Moore, whom is wearing different masks.

Paris tried scratching her eyes out, literally. Anna wrote in her notebook, writing a note to her beloved Tom, whom she dumped, but still loves very dearly . . . odd little girl. Another girl, Lola, tried slamming her head on the desk to forget. Sarah, tried putting bleach through her ears to bleach her brain. Chunk, James, and Borsey tried running around and screaming, accomplishing nothing. No one accomplished anything. Tiffany read a book. Wow. Giovanni pulled up his pants, and everyone stopped screaming.

You know what? Listening to my playlist is really not healthy for this story. The soundtrack is getting out of hand. Now I have Spice Girls playing. Why I have Spice Girls on my playlist is BEYOND me! But I think "Who Do You Think You Are" is a good song for this part of the story. Anyway.

Giovanni moved onto talking about STDs.

"Okay, um . . . .," well . . . he tried to. "Let's learn about sex."

The world dies now.

"THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!" Lola and Paris yell at the same time. Alex ( yes, a girl ) speaks up.

"At least it's not you parents doing this," Alex said. Paris' eyes were a little battered.

"You know when I had sex for the first time?" Giovanni started. Everyone slammed their forehead on the desk.

"Oo! Oo! I know! I know!" Anna raised her hand as far as she could.

"Shut up you!" Giovanni spat. "It was a long time ago . . ."

Lola let out a high pitched scream. Giovanni continued his story.

"I was 14 . . ."

Lola screamed again. Giovanni threw a pencil at her.

"We did it in a carnival bathroom . . ."

A stupid kid, named Blake, stood up and started doing an indian dance. He wooped too. Giovanni wrote up a referral for Blake. Giovanni sat him back down in his seat, as if Blake were a "special" kid. Giovanni pointed up and continued.

"Anyone want to guess what we did first?" Giovanni asked. Anna raised her hand. "Shut up you!" No one else raised their hand.

"It was oral sex!" Giovanni answered his own question. Bradley started laughing.

"You were 14 when you got head?! HAHA! What a loser!"

"How old were you?" Giovanni crossed his arms.

"10!"

Many people started crying. Some puked. A lot of people flipped over their chairs, even though it wasn't much of a surprise.

"Wow. Did you get it from a man?" Giovanni made fun of him. Bradley pouted.

"Maybe."

Okay, lots of people puked.

Well, now that there was crying children, puke, and insanity all of the room, Giovanni decided to teach the kids a game.

"Anyone wanna learn a game?" Giovanni asked.

"NO!" Everyone said in unison. Yes, everyone. The people in the funny farms, the people who are in musicals, the people who voted, and the people who don't, the people who drive really fast, and the people that you yell at for being grandma's when they are younger than you, the people who are good citizens, the people who make sure you don't know something you shouldn't know, the people who lie, the people who take your sign, the people who have affairs, the people who will die from an addiction, and the people who like Nater. Yeah, I like Nater. Even Tim from Monty Python said "NO!" Amazing.

"Well I'm teaching you the game anyway! Everyone sits in a circle and one person pats the people on the head and says "duck" until you choose someone. Then you say "goose" and that person has to chase you until you run around the circle and get back in your seat. Then that person is it if they don't tag you!"

"Isn't that called "duck, duck, goose"? James asked.

"Yeah! You know that game?" Giovanni asked. Everyone in the class looked to their table partner and then ran to the floor to get in a circle. ANYTHING was better than talking about sex or STD's or "sex education" as the school board likes to call it.

------

After everyone made complete idiots out of themselves, they all returned to their seats, ready for the bell to ring. Well . . . it wasn't really a bell. It was more of a beep. Stupid school. Gr r r r r. . . .

"Have a nice day children! I hope you get good grades and make friends and have fun!" Giovanni handed out lollipops. Graham held the lollipop in his hand, treasuring it, savoring the flavor, having an orgasm from it. Giovanni looked at him strange.

"Will he be okay?" Giovanni asked his table partner, Julia.

"Yeah. He'll be fine," She said. The bell . . . er . . . beeper rang. Everyone ran for their lives.

"Bye! Make good choices!" Giovanni called.

"That guy is crazy!" Anna announced, being nice about it.

"I'm so scarred! He showed us his penis!" Paris screamed. Lola sniffled.

"So tainted . . . and I'm catholic!" Lola cried, doing that little cross thing on her chest.

"I thought it was kinda cool," Alex said. Everyone face faulted again. Then the announcement thing came on.

"Attention students. Someone has stolen the test drive car and driven off with it. If any of you know who did it, the office will pay you $100 dollars if you tell us. Thank you," The PA turned off. Chunk realized something.

"Has anyone seen James lately?" He asked. Everyone looked around. No James.

"Crap. We lost one! Retrieval squad!" Anna called, putting on an army helmet. Alex put on a green construction hat, that had "Hack the World" written on it with black marker. Paris did nothing. In fact, she was too afraid to. That creepy teacher was behind her.

"What are we doing?" Giovanni asked.

"Nothing. Shut up you!" Anna imitated. Giovanni pushed her.

"Well, whatever we're doing, I want to do it with you," Giovanni took hold of Paris's hand. Paris' eyes bulged out.

"Get away from me!" She cried. Her boyfriend, at least 50 yards away, heard her cry and bolted toward the guy that was holding her hand.

"HIYAH!" G yelled. Yes, his name is G. Now shut up. G high kicked Giovanni in the mouth. Giovanni wasn't fazed.

"Who's he?" Giovanni asked.

"Oh, that's our friend with the car. He's her boyfriend," Alex said. Giovanni sighed.

"Aw man. God, why do all the pretty girls have to be taken?!"

Everyone face faulted, except Paris, who blushed. There's a lot of face faulting in here. A union worker spoke up.

"Hey! GET ON WITH THE STORY!" The union worker cried, from across the world.

"YEAH! GET ON WITH IT!" Tim from Monty Python and the Holy Grail yelled.

"Hurry!" A digimon exclaimed.

"Yeah baby!" Austin Powers said.

Back to Stoughton.

"Well that was weird," Giovanni said.

"Happens all the time," Chunk said, taking a sip of Rock n' Rye.

"BOOGER!" A little kid on Barney the dinosaur yelled.

"See?" Chunk took another sip.

"Yes, I see," Giovanni said.